walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
