Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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