Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
