im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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