dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
