OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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