Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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