I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
