you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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