So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
