Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I love black thongs
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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