My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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