someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
