I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
