the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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