Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
