im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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