If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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