Swine flu. Run for my life!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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