im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
