He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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