DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
