I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
