Your tits are I can't wait for
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
