just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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