Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
