two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
