I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
