I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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