Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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