ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
