he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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