What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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