Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I AM VODKA MAN
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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