So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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