the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
