you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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