I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
