The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're a disaster
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