I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
