i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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