They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dick has a subreddit
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
