I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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