the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
