I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Two words: blizzard sex
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
