It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
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Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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