So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
