so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
