Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
