puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
