dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
