I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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