all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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