I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I want a musical about memes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
