You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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