I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
