Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
